If This Doesn’t Turn You On, Nothing Will

Well, today should be Fuck it Friday when I let down my usual hatred of the non-news reporting media and give my two cents about the “biggest story of the week” which really shouldn’t be a story. (See Michael Phelps blog from last week) Well, as it turns out, I came down with the flu this week and when I’m sick as hell I don’t care much for reading. I watch movies and have fever induced fantasies that usually culminate to me being brutally hurt or murdered. And, for some reason, I still have the ability to think about sex. Imagine that. It was during this particular time I thought of a new childish sex act simply entitled “The Handkerchief”. This is when you stick your nose between a person’s buttocks and blow your nose really hard to get the cheeks flapping like a handkerchief in a cartoon.

Like This but With Ass Cheeks

Okay, so it is pretty lame, I know; but when your brain is baking at a warm 102 degrees, you don’t come up with Pulitzer prize winning material. But, this does bring up a conversation that usually incites a couple of groans and a few disgusted faces. The topic is various sex acts that no one possibly does but for some reason we have a word for them. I’m picking five that have caught my attention over the years. Hopefully, you’ll learn something.

Rusty Trombone: This is when a male stands up, trousers down while his partner kneels behind him and licks his anus while stroking his penis. In this euphemism, the anus can be seen as the mouthpiece of a trombone while the penis is the main slide but where the hell they got rusty is beyond me. Rust is clearly a shade of red while feces are clearly brown. Yes, feces could be a shade of red but then we’re talking blood and feces. That would be like saying rust could be a shade of brown if someone shat on a rusty knife… which would then explain the blood in the feces but anyways, the point is that rust is red and shit is brown. This is a stupid euphemism but then I imagine the guy receiving the rusty trombone starting to make sound effects like he’s actually a trombone and I giggle like a little school girl for hours.

Strawberry Shortcake: When a male ejaculates on his partner’s face and then punches them in the nose causing it to bleed. Quite possibly the best way to ensure one will never, ever, sleep with that person again. There are a lot of acts like this, for example a donkey punch. Frankly, it’s hard enough to get to sleep with anyone so why the fuck would you want to ruin it? Oh, and yes, inflicting senseless violence and pain on someone isn’t cool.

Feltching After a male ejaculates into someone’s anus, someone (including said ejaculated male) drinks the semen out with a straw or really strong lips. Of course, there is the whole “poo” factor that makes this pretty disgusting and the potential of drinking one’s own jizz is pretty bad but those really are not the disgusting parts. The disgusting part is that afterward, your daddy kissed you good night.

Cleveland Steamer or Pasadena Mudslide One partner straddles the other’s upper body to receive oral sex. During oral sex, the receiving partner defecates on the giving partner’s chest. Not the nicest way to say thank you and has always made me wonder, what do you say when this happens? I imagine a women sitting on my face while I eat her out and then all of a sudden I feel a warm mass on my chest. I gently lift her up a little and look what was left on my pectoral muscles. I respond, “Damn, am I really that good?”

Mung: Supposedly, there is some contention as to whether the following description is accurate. Some say it was not the original definition but somehow became part of the it. Probably because they let some 14 year old on Urban Dictionary. Anyways, to mung means an individual and a co-conspirator go out to a cemetery and dig up the corpse of a recently deceased woman. Once she is removed from her earthly tomb, one of the individuals opens the woman’s leg and puts his mouth over her vagina to cover its entirety and create a tight seal. The other individual proceeds to… you know what, this is fucking disgusting. I’m just going to stop while I’m ahead. If you are interested, Google it. Then it’s your problem.

Hope it was educational!

Honorable Mention – The Mike Tyson: Supposedly when you fuck a guy in the ass until he likes it for the sole purpose of calling him a “faggot”. I don’t know; I never understood Tyson.

What I Was Doing Whilst Typing – Listening to Manowar

~ by spraym on February 20, 2009.