Michael Phelps – Innocent Idiot

It’s Fuck It Friday. Well, that was a bit presumptuous to assume you would know what that means; allow me to explain. I’ve decided that despite my utter hatred for the vomit that is the news media in America, Friday is a day in which no one gives a shit. The work week is done and now it’s time to drink. So, if I’m not in the middle of a theme, I’ll devote Friday as Fuck It Friday and take the week’s most trashy, over played story and give my two cents on it. Why? Because it’s Friday, so fuck it.

A little background before going into the story of the week, Michael Phelps is a pot smoker who may soon get busted by cops with apparently nothing better to do than run sensationalistic investigations and be all around media whores. Michael Phelps, whom about 4 billion people in this world know, is the Lance Armstrong of swimming. Winning 8 gold medals, he makes 99.99% of the world’s population look like wet towels stuffed with rotten cheese. Of course, not all of us can make careers as athletes but this 23 year old boy showed everyone up including the French, which is A-OK in my book. A demi-god amongst men, he is an inspiration to all of us desk jockeys and couch potatoes that at least someone is out there pushing the physical limits of the mortal shell God gave us. And I bet he gets a lot of ass.

But I digress. It turns out he’s actually pretty normal, down to the occasional marijuana usage and letting his jackass friends take pictures of said usage. And now, in a bizarre turn of events, the police in bum-fuck-nowhere South Carolina are arresting people in connection with said picture and questioning them solely about Michael Phelps’ participation in the shenanigans. I’ll repeat that. The cops are ARRESTING people in connection with the Michael Phelps’ photo to QUESTION them. Since when did you have to fucking arrest someone to question them? I suppose it is because of potential possession charges but only Phelps was pictured. How much investigation went into figuring out who was at the party and who to bring in? And the charge is only $300 with up to 30 days in jail. This will end up costing tax payers more money than it will bring in and in the fucked up state our economy is in right now, that ain’t right. Anyways, the whole point of the investigation is to bring Phelps in on drug charges. That would be $300 for the possession of the actual marijuana (misdemeanor) and $500 for the paraphernalia. Wait, what the hell? It is a larger fine to have the bong than to have the actual pot? WHERE THE HELL IS THIS? Bizzarro World? Jesus, Jerry Seinfeld was right.

Now of course, there is the legality. Yes, Phelps broke the law and the police are obligated to bring his ass, no matter how trim and cut, in for justice. But hold on, this is a college town. Are you telling me that every fucking pot smoker is brought in? I mean, do these cops troll MySpace and FaceBook just looking for people posting pics and go “AHA! I see a bong in the background! Book ’em Dano.”. This is preposterous. This police department saw an opportunity for sensationalist bullshit and decided to jump on it. Frankly, I think they are arresting Phelps for the wrong crime. They should arrest him for the inevitable assault that will happen when he beat’s his “friend’s” ass to a mushy pulp for (a) taking the picture and (b) letting it fall in the hands of the press. I mean, the news media does a lot of crazy shit but they won’t break into your house, rummage through your stuff and steal something “news” worthy. So that means someone really went out of their way to give this up. Phelps must find him and destroy him. I guess this is why I’m not a legal advisor.

A couple of other thoughts to fully thresh this out. First, apparently in this county, anything under an ounce is a misdemeanor, otherwise it is a drug trafficking charge which means hard time. Now, let’s look at Phelps. The man has lungs that could inhale 12.3% of the available air on Earth in one breath. So, in theory, if he is arrested, it would be perfectly acceptable to arrest him for having over an ounce of pot. By my mathematically sound calculations, of which I’m so confident in I need not bother to share, Michael Phelps requires a 6 foot bong made out of PCV pipe and a giant salad bowl.

This field was grown specially for Michael Phelps’ second bong hit, ironically not pictured.

Second thought: Michael Phelps’ lawyer must be an out of touch idiot. Blame the whole damn thing on Photoshop and be done. Just drive the fact that kids with their computers can do just about anything. Don’t believe me? I never smoke pot, but guess what I was able to do in 5 minutes with minimal (correction, absolutely no) effort:

Baby's hand may or may not have been added for dramatic effect

So, am I a pot smoking hippie bent on overthrowing the world in search of munchies and a place to mellow out? Absolutely not, but if you let the picture talk, well that would be a different story.

I guess I really don’t give a shit what happens but honestly I’m disappointed that our society is still primarily living with “reefer madness” fear and thinking that a kid with a bong is the worst thing in the world. And all the meantime, we are losing focus on the 1,000+ page stimulus bill (which I’ll write about shortly as soon as I finish skimming it… I bought the cliff notes online from the Treasury department), potential political discussions with Iran that haven’t taken place in over 30 years, North Korea being dicks again, Australian wild fires (poor koalas and kangaroos) and all the other stuff that is relatively important in day to day matters that get’s pushed to the bottom and back of websites and newspapers. Why? Well, that would be a rant worthy of another blog or seven, so I’ll leave you with this: friends who take compromising photos and videos of their friends to post on the Internet or distribute in general are not friends at all. They are fucking douchebags that deserve to have their testicles (or labia) forcibly removed and fed to them. I’m not only a hater of these dipshits, I’m also a victim. Enjoy your President’s Day weekend!

What I Was Doing Whilst Typing: Drinking beer and listening to Pantera and Iron Maiden (note: not together)

~ by spraym on February 13, 2009.